Merlot would prefer that I not go to the gym. He prefers that I would get my exercise walking him, to which I reply, "I can't get any exercise walking you. You have to sniff every tree, shrub and tuft of grass from here to Montreal while whoever is with you dies a slow death of boredom." Merlot is offended by this argument, and he is especially offended whenever I lose patience and drag him homeward by his leash. He refuses to look at me.
Today at the gym Pubes Man was shaving his pubes in the locker room. This is the first time I have seen anyone shave their pubes in the locker room. In fact this is the first time I have seen anyone shave their pubes period, and perhaps the last time I want to see anyone shave their pubes. (Except for one fantasy you probably don't want to hear about.)
Pubes Man is approximately 80 years old and I have known of him for a considerable length of time. He used to work for an ecumenical organization whose main activity was to have committee meetings about ecumenical issues among a set of about ten or twelve graying and shrinking liberal churches in the area. Pubes Man also reached out to the more vibrant conservative, evangelical and pentecostal churches as well, but they weren't interested in becoming part of a liberal whole so he never could get much traction. It also didn't help that he showed up in double knit polyester in the late 80s and talked in a whiney voice with a frozen cheerful face.
Pubes Man currently has a pot belly of about 40 pounds and his pubes used to cover a fatty pouch area that is now covered by freckles, since Pubes Man, formerly red haired, now shiny bald, sports an all over tan, though it would be more accurate to say he sports all over freckles. You have probably guessed by now that Pubes Man doesn't really come to the gym to work out, though he does occasionally exercise on the rowing machine and ride the stationery bike, and I have seen him in the pool once or twice. No, Pubes Man comes to the gym to troll. At least I know he has propositioned me. The proposition consisted of him coming into the two person shower stall in the swimming pool locker room where I was showering and vigorously washing his privates and only his privates. Vermont protocol in such instances, in case you were wondering, is to politely mind your own business.
Who am I to judge? Who of us has a perfect sexuality? Merlot has seldom entertained the question, not because he is neutered, which slowed his promiscuity down somewhat, but merely because he is frankly puzzled why anyone would object to him propositioning each and every dog he meets. Since Merlot is half basset and half German shepherd, he is not in the least surprised at which dogs are amenable to his advances.
The apostle Paul would answer my question, "No-one has a perfect sexuality. We have all fallen short." (I don't know how many of you have fantasy conversations with the apostle Paul, but it can be quite interesting, if not informative. You should try it. I also have conversations with God, Charles Darwin and Maria von Trapp. Oh, and I almost forgot Soren Kierkegaard--how can one forget Kierkegaard?) And if you asked all four of those if we humans can have a perfect sexuality the consensus would be "No", with the possible exception of Maria von Trapp. Though come to think of it, when I have conversations with her, I realize now I am talking to the Julie Andrews version of Maria, and some would say that version did approach perfection, if not in the general category of sexuality, at least in the specific category of attractiveness, not to mention her four octave vocal reach and her amazing ability to make dirndl skirts out of damask curtains.
Anyway Maria von Trapp would say that Pubes Man shaving his pubes is not one of her favorite things. Charles Darwin would say something about Pubes Man's behavior not helping the survival of the species, and Kierkegaard would just get depressed about it. Sigmund Freud would say he had Mommy and Daddy issues and Carl Rogers would say that if you give Pubes Man enough unconditional positive regard he will heal himself. For my part I shudder to think what Pubes Man would do with enough unconditional positive regard.
I have considered telling Pubes Man to knock it off, but not being one to rock the Vermont code I politely mind my own business. Merlot concurs, though he could use some improvement in the politeness department, in my opinion.
Today at the gym Pubes Man was shaving his pubes in the locker room. This is the first time I have seen anyone shave their pubes in the locker room. In fact this is the first time I have seen anyone shave their pubes period, and perhaps the last time I want to see anyone shave their pubes. (Except for one fantasy you probably don't want to hear about.)
Pubes Man is approximately 80 years old and I have known of him for a considerable length of time. He used to work for an ecumenical organization whose main activity was to have committee meetings about ecumenical issues among a set of about ten or twelve graying and shrinking liberal churches in the area. Pubes Man also reached out to the more vibrant conservative, evangelical and pentecostal churches as well, but they weren't interested in becoming part of a liberal whole so he never could get much traction. It also didn't help that he showed up in double knit polyester in the late 80s and talked in a whiney voice with a frozen cheerful face.
Pubes Man currently has a pot belly of about 40 pounds and his pubes used to cover a fatty pouch area that is now covered by freckles, since Pubes Man, formerly red haired, now shiny bald, sports an all over tan, though it would be more accurate to say he sports all over freckles. You have probably guessed by now that Pubes Man doesn't really come to the gym to work out, though he does occasionally exercise on the rowing machine and ride the stationery bike, and I have seen him in the pool once or twice. No, Pubes Man comes to the gym to troll. At least I know he has propositioned me. The proposition consisted of him coming into the two person shower stall in the swimming pool locker room where I was showering and vigorously washing his privates and only his privates. Vermont protocol in such instances, in case you were wondering, is to politely mind your own business.
Who am I to judge? Who of us has a perfect sexuality? Merlot has seldom entertained the question, not because he is neutered, which slowed his promiscuity down somewhat, but merely because he is frankly puzzled why anyone would object to him propositioning each and every dog he meets. Since Merlot is half basset and half German shepherd, he is not in the least surprised at which dogs are amenable to his advances.
The apostle Paul would answer my question, "No-one has a perfect sexuality. We have all fallen short." (I don't know how many of you have fantasy conversations with the apostle Paul, but it can be quite interesting, if not informative. You should try it. I also have conversations with God, Charles Darwin and Maria von Trapp. Oh, and I almost forgot Soren Kierkegaard--how can one forget Kierkegaard?) And if you asked all four of those if we humans can have a perfect sexuality the consensus would be "No", with the possible exception of Maria von Trapp. Though come to think of it, when I have conversations with her, I realize now I am talking to the Julie Andrews version of Maria, and some would say that version did approach perfection, if not in the general category of sexuality, at least in the specific category of attractiveness, not to mention her four octave vocal reach and her amazing ability to make dirndl skirts out of damask curtains.
Anyway Maria von Trapp would say that Pubes Man shaving his pubes is not one of her favorite things. Charles Darwin would say something about Pubes Man's behavior not helping the survival of the species, and Kierkegaard would just get depressed about it. Sigmund Freud would say he had Mommy and Daddy issues and Carl Rogers would say that if you give Pubes Man enough unconditional positive regard he will heal himself. For my part I shudder to think what Pubes Man would do with enough unconditional positive regard.
I have considered telling Pubes Man to knock it off, but not being one to rock the Vermont code I politely mind my own business. Merlot concurs, though he could use some improvement in the politeness department, in my opinion.