To whom it may concern,
I highly recommend Sales Associate Jeremy for your consideration as a top carpenter. I met him in a local big box lumber store where he was most helpful, even when I asked him not to be. Even after I regretfully snapped at him, he assured me that his help was expert as he had worked on 6 million dollar houses. I felt remorse at having been so rude to an employee who is mandated to help each and every customer who passes by, and who earns $9.85 per hour. So I decided the best way to show my remorse would be to write this letter of reference for him.
The main reason I snapped at Sales Associate Jeremy was because I was with a family member who had not had breakfast, and who insisted it was my fault we were having an argument, the subject of which I was not then, nor am I now, aware of, even though I thought we were talking about the American hypocrisy in relation to the Crimean Peninsula. Tangentially, the United States has not had serious qualms when annexing parts of other peoples' territory, especially when said territory has contained US troops and bases. So why they think they can tell Russia that Russia is violating international law, is beyond me, and no, I was not yelling at my relative, nor was I even yelling, period. And just to be clear: this discussion can have no bearing on my parenting skills 25 years ago, however lacking they may have been. Besides which, I offered oatmeal, banana and toast before we left, at all of which my family member turned up her nose.
As I recommend Jeremy for your employment as an expert carpenter, I am compelled to pause in contemplation of why Jeremy fell from the lofty heights of working on 6 million dollar houses to the third ring of Dante's inferno, working as a sales associate for $9.85 per hour from 5am to 1pm Wednesday through Sunday. If I were a betting man I would give you 3 to 1 odds that what landed him in trouble was not his job performance, nor his expert carpentry skills, which I am sure are above besmirchment, but rather his big fat mouth. Even though I, personally, do not wish to be informed if I am using the wrong lumber, and after googling it, nobody, and I mean nobody but Jeremy, believes that using pressure treated lumber indoors results in mold or mildew. However, I'm sure Jeremy, or one of his loved ones, has used pressure treated lumber to build a closet indoors and has tragically experienced mold or mildew, and has not stopped warning others about it ever since, even when they have begged him to stop warning them. And I feel more than confident that he has not used pressure treated lumber indoors on any of the 6 million dollar houses on which he worked.
On further contemplation I doubt that Jeremy worked extensively on several 6 million dollar houses. Rather I think he worked on one 6 million dollar house, perhaps on a Thursday afternoon, installing installing lapped cedar in the sauna, or bamboo flooring in a closet, or perhaps replacing exhaust fan duct hose in one of the 24 bathrooms, under close supervision, that, although looking good on a resume, does not authorize him to be an expert on all things carpentry, especially not on the closets I am building in my basement. And if he opened his big mouth while at the 6 million dollar house, to the owner or contractor, and gave the owner his unasked for advice, especially if one of the owner's family members had given the owner a ride that morning, and had told the owner the argument they were having, of which the owner was unaware the topic thereof, was the owner's fault, and the relative was waiting for an apology, as well as an apology for the years of bad parenting, then it makes his employment in the local lumber store at $9.85 per hour not only understandable, but even inevitable.
However, I believe Jeremy has learned his lesson, and can now be given a reprieve from his purgatory in the big box lumber store, and should be re-employed in the actual construction world, if not on 6 million dollar houses.
Sincerely,
I highly recommend Sales Associate Jeremy for your consideration as a top carpenter. I met him in a local big box lumber store where he was most helpful, even when I asked him not to be. Even after I regretfully snapped at him, he assured me that his help was expert as he had worked on 6 million dollar houses. I felt remorse at having been so rude to an employee who is mandated to help each and every customer who passes by, and who earns $9.85 per hour. So I decided the best way to show my remorse would be to write this letter of reference for him.
The main reason I snapped at Sales Associate Jeremy was because I was with a family member who had not had breakfast, and who insisted it was my fault we were having an argument, the subject of which I was not then, nor am I now, aware of, even though I thought we were talking about the American hypocrisy in relation to the Crimean Peninsula. Tangentially, the United States has not had serious qualms when annexing parts of other peoples' territory, especially when said territory has contained US troops and bases. So why they think they can tell Russia that Russia is violating international law, is beyond me, and no, I was not yelling at my relative, nor was I even yelling, period. And just to be clear: this discussion can have no bearing on my parenting skills 25 years ago, however lacking they may have been. Besides which, I offered oatmeal, banana and toast before we left, at all of which my family member turned up her nose.
As I recommend Jeremy for your employment as an expert carpenter, I am compelled to pause in contemplation of why Jeremy fell from the lofty heights of working on 6 million dollar houses to the third ring of Dante's inferno, working as a sales associate for $9.85 per hour from 5am to 1pm Wednesday through Sunday. If I were a betting man I would give you 3 to 1 odds that what landed him in trouble was not his job performance, nor his expert carpentry skills, which I am sure are above besmirchment, but rather his big fat mouth. Even though I, personally, do not wish to be informed if I am using the wrong lumber, and after googling it, nobody, and I mean nobody but Jeremy, believes that using pressure treated lumber indoors results in mold or mildew. However, I'm sure Jeremy, or one of his loved ones, has used pressure treated lumber to build a closet indoors and has tragically experienced mold or mildew, and has not stopped warning others about it ever since, even when they have begged him to stop warning them. And I feel more than confident that he has not used pressure treated lumber indoors on any of the 6 million dollar houses on which he worked.
On further contemplation I doubt that Jeremy worked extensively on several 6 million dollar houses. Rather I think he worked on one 6 million dollar house, perhaps on a Thursday afternoon, installing installing lapped cedar in the sauna, or bamboo flooring in a closet, or perhaps replacing exhaust fan duct hose in one of the 24 bathrooms, under close supervision, that, although looking good on a resume, does not authorize him to be an expert on all things carpentry, especially not on the closets I am building in my basement. And if he opened his big mouth while at the 6 million dollar house, to the owner or contractor, and gave the owner his unasked for advice, especially if one of the owner's family members had given the owner a ride that morning, and had told the owner the argument they were having, of which the owner was unaware the topic thereof, was the owner's fault, and the relative was waiting for an apology, as well as an apology for the years of bad parenting, then it makes his employment in the local lumber store at $9.85 per hour not only understandable, but even inevitable.
However, I believe Jeremy has learned his lesson, and can now be given a reprieve from his purgatory in the big box lumber store, and should be re-employed in the actual construction world, if not on 6 million dollar houses.
Sincerely,